MOSES PREDICTS THE 2009 NFL DRAFT!!!

HAIL TO THEE, O SEAHAWK FANS!!!! IT IS I, MOSES, HERE TO PREDICT THE 2009 NFL DRAFT!!!!

"We mock what we do not understand."

-Dan Aykryod in the movie 'Spies Like Us' (Or... The reaction to so many after reading about a million mock drafts online... )
 

NUMBER OF THE WEEK: 256. There will be 256 picks in this year's NFL draft.

This week's issue is brought to you by our sponsor, the Matt Millen Draft Chart. If you are lost and need a sure fire way to draft that coveted franchise player, the draft chart used by former front office man for the Detroit Lions Matt Millen guarantees INSTANT CREDIBILITY:

Matt Millen draft coin flipper sold separately.

It has been a long time. The winter was a particularly harsh one.

BUT.....

Spring is beginning to show itself. The snow has melted, the grass is being mowed, the birds are nesting, and the Detroit Lions are once again on the clock...... It all means that it is time for the NFL DRAFT!

Yes, the NFL draft. That one time a year where Mel Kiper pokes his head out of his hole to proclaim that there is a lot of 'value' to be had. Or, as I refer to it, FOOTBALL CHRISTMAS! I gather around the TV on Saturday anxiously awaiting to see what the NFL will let the Seahawks open. Will it be a cool new gift everyone can't wait to show off to others (like when you get that new BB gun you have had your eye on for WEEKS)? Or, will it be an unspectacular yet useful gift we will be glad to have someday (like when your aunt gives you warm socks)?

Then, there is that fear that you might open up a gift NOBODY REALLY WANTS (like when your aunt gets you a subscription to the 'Vegetable of the Month' club).

And what about that COOL gift? Will it still be cool a couple of years from now? Or will it wind up in the shed forgotten after a short while?

And will that cool gift POKE OUR EYES OUT???

(ring....ring.......Ralphie Parker??? Ralphie Parker??? Please pick up the white courtesy phone....)

Meanwhile, Mel Kiper (or... SANTA KIPER, if you would) tells all of us faithful if our team has been naughty or nice with each pick. Or, completely crazy.

Unlike the last few years, the Seahawks will have an EARLY FOOTBALL CHRISTMAS this season. For the first time since 1997, the Seahawks have a chance to draft a college player with a top ten pick. Of course, this is due to a very FORGETFUL 4-12 2008 season that saw the end of the Holmgren Era and the birth of the Mora era.

The Seahawks have been a strange team on draft days of recent past. Their first round picks over the past recent seasons have been pedestrian at best. Names like Jerramy Stevens, Lamar King, and Marcus Tubbs have very little chance to see their names scrawled into the Circle of Fame at Qwest Field. Well, unless they buy a Sharpie and do it themselves.

BUT....

The later rounds have recently produced some real gems. Guys like Lofa Tatupu, Leroy Hill, and Darryl Tapp have all contributed to many Seahawks successes. None were picked in the first round.

One team not rare to picking in the first hour of the NFL draft is the 0-16 Detroit Lions. Talk about mediocre. They have picked in the top ten of round one every year but one since 2002. Of those high draft picks, only Calvin Johnson and Ernie Sims are even on the team anymore. It is no wonder this team is always picking near the top year after year. They have about as much insight into drafting players as Pamela Anderson has in picking husbands...

This past season, the Lions hit a new low. Even for them. After years of flirting with the notion that they were the worst franchise on the planet, they blasted the competition away and cemented their ownership of the title with an 0-16 season.

How could this happen? Well, there are many theories, but I have found three good reasons.

So, here from our office located in the contract of another drafted wide receiver comes...... (drum roll)....

"THE TOP THREE REASONS WHY THE DETROIT LIONS FINISHED 0-16 LAST SEASON "

   THE DETROIT LIONS OFFENSE.

  THE DETROIT LION DEFENSE.

   THE DETROIT LION SPECIAL TEAMS.

BUT....

 With Millen run out of Motown like someone who owns a Mitsubishi, they look to change their fortunes with a new lease. This also includes new uniforms.

The new uniforms were nothing but a shinier version of the same old Lion uniforms. One can only wonder if the team will also be just a shinier version of the same mediocre team.

BUT....

As much as the Lions do not get the draft, there are teams that do get it. Take the Indianapolis Colts for example. Playoffs in nine of the last ten years. Five straight winning seasons with 12 or more wins. A Super Bowl trophy.

But perhaps more amazing is this fact. As of right now, the Colts have only ONE PLAYER on their roster to start for another NFL franchise. Only seven players have even BEEN on another team. In the world of 'gotta fix it with free agency', the Colts have truly lived and died by the draft. And their track record has shown that a team does not need to live in free agency, which brings us to this issue’s:

This issue I rewrite the words to the classic song by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers. So, Fall Freely, Quit Jammin' Me, and belt out this tune (Sung to the tune of  "Refugee")

We had a bad year, we all know it,
We don't talk too much about them.
Ain't no real big secret all the same,
somehow, we still root for them.

 

We know that our team will succeed, baby.

BUT....

Enough of this talk of other franchise. It is time to get ready for the NFL DRAFT. And in order to understand just how close the NFL Draft is, I am presenting you with a guide in this week's:

"TAKE A CRACK AT THIS PHRASE"

This issue, I take on the following phrase:

"YOU KNOW THE NFL DRAFT IS AROUND THE CORNER WHEN"

....here we go!

"YOU KNOW THE NFL DRAFT IS AROUND THE CORNER WHEN".....Mel Kiper is on TV more often than Oprah Winfrey.

"YOU KNOW THE NFL DRAFT IS AROUND THE CORNER WHEN".....You worry about the vertical leap of your team's offensive lineman.

"YOU KNOW THE NFL DRAFT IS AROUND THE CORNER WHEN"..... You trade your child to the neighbors for two children of lesser value to increase your family's death.

"YOU KNOW THE NFL DRAFT IS AROUND THE CORNER WHEN"..... You consider Big Aunt Bertha's potential as a defensive tackle in a two gap scheme.

"YOU KNOW THE NFL DRAFT IS AROUND THE CORNER WHEN"..... You are overly critical of the speed and velocity in a drunk friend's projectile vomit.

For those of us who have not poured hours of time mulling over the prospective draft picks for their team, it is not too late to get involved.

The first thing you need to do is go to the local magazine rack and (after pulling yourself away from the comics and nudity) grab a draft magazine.

Draft magazines are great. They give you all this 'draft speak' on all the college players and rank them in a nice biased ranking that by now is completely obsolete.

Still, the 'draft speak' can help you figure out who you think your team JUST HAS TO DRAFT...

.... that is, if you can decipher the 'draft speak' code.

Well, as a public service, I would like to help you out. Below you will find on the following chart that will help even the most novice draftnik talk like a draft expert:

BUT.....

What about the picks? Well, after all the talk, debate, YouTube video watching, message board surfing, and NFL Network watching.... the time has come. You know who your team needs to be a winner.....

.... and your team picks someone completely different than you think. 

WILL THE SEAHAWKS FIND THEIR NEXT LOFA TATUPU???

WILL THE SEAHAWKS FIND THEIR NEXT RICK MIRER???

WILL MEL KIPER REVEAL HIS TRUE HAIR COLOR???

MOSES PREDICTS:

... This is the spot where I usually just say something generic like "The Seahawks pick players to help them"... blah, blah, blah...

BUT NOT THIS SEASON!!!!!

Here it is... The official MOSES MOCK DRAFT 2009 for the Seattle Seahawks:

So, MOCK AWAY!